Vetting a therapist

Questions to ask in a consult

• “What is your experience with male clients who report intimate partner abuse or coercive control?”
• “How do you think about mutual allegations in high-conflict separations?”
• “Are you familiar with trauma bonds and intermittent reinforcement?”
• “Do you coordinate with family lawyers when appropriate, or stay strictly clinical?”
• “What does safety planning look like for men in your practice?”

Green flags

• Takes your account seriously without rushing to “what did you do to provoke”
• Can hold complexity (you may have imperfect coping and be mistreated)
• Talks about nervous system regulation, not only insight
• Clear about confidentiality limits

Red flags

• Immediate certainty that the problem is your masculinity, anger, or “control issues” without assessment
• Dismisses digital, financial, or legal abuse as “just conflict”
• Pushes couples therapy when you report fear or coercion
• Shames you for documenting or seeking legal advice

Finding someone (US & Canada)

• Psychology Today / provincial directories — filter for trauma, IPV, divorce
• Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) as a short-term bridge
• Domestic abuse hotlines often know which local providers take male clients
• For Canada: provincial health lines and 211 can point to counseling subsidies

Crisis still goes to hotlines first — resources · directory.